


The Royal Oakenshields

by boltguiding (mayerwien)



Category: Royal Tenenbaums (2001), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-12-20 02:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11911452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayerwien/pseuds/boltguiding
Summary: Thorin Oakenshield bought the house on Ered Luin Avenue in the winter of his fifty-third year. Over the next decade, he helped his sister raise her three children, and then he left to go on a quest.





	The Royal Oakenshields

**Author's Note:**

> Started in 2014 and never finished, as is the fate of so many of my other fics. But I found this again recently, and I was pleasantly surprised by my tone-matching, so I thought why the heck not post the finished bit.

Thorin Oakenshield bought the house on Ered Luin Avenue in the winter of his fifty-third year. Over the next decade, he helped his sister raise her three children, and then he left to go on a quest.

Do you still love us, they asked, the night he told them. They were sitting at the dinner table, the children clustered at one end and Thorin at the other.

Thorin grumbled something unintelligible. The word “love” had never dropped easily from his tongue. I’ll have none of that, he replied, frowning. This is just something I have to do. And so he went.

Dis Oakenshield kept the house from then on, and the children’s education was her highest priority. She ensured that they learned all the things young dwarves were supposed to learn, like how to forge chainmail, how to use a pickax without chopping anyone’s fingers off, and how to braid hair. (How to eat without making a complete mess, sadly, was not included on that list.)

Fili Oakenshield was the eldest, and had amassed an impressive private collection of Second Age weaponry, for which he was constantly turning down offers from museums. By the age of ten, he could throw a knife well enough to lodge one in the cap of a spinning glass bottle fifty paces away. Fili also ran a successful side business, breeding a new strain of hardy mountain ponies that could carry twice their own weight, which he sold to human traders—and also giant eagles, which he trained to catch objects on their backs while flying.

Tauriel Oakenshield was adopted at age two. Thorin had always noted this when introducing her, although it hardly bore saying—as she was not, in fact, a dwarf. She was a Mirkwood elf, and as such gained twice the height of the rest of her family members before she was a teenager. Tauriel had a natural talent for archery and for healing, but her true passion was stargazing. She spent most of her time making extensive maps of the night sky; by the time she was eleven, she had discovered no less than thirty-two previously-uncharted stars. She and her brother Kili ran away from home one winter and camped out at the planetarium, sharing a sleeping bag and living off lembas bread.

Kili Oakenshield had been a champion archer since the third grade. Technically speaking he was second best to his sister, but as she did not compete professionally, he did not feel threatened or jealous in the slightest. He won the Eriador Nationals every year, always finishing by splitting the other competitors’ arrows in two, and turned pro by the age of seventeen. He also collected Dwarvish rune-stones, and composed original ballads and Petrarchan sonnets, the majority of which he kept to himself.

Kili’s best friend, Legolas Greenleaf, lived with his father in a building across the street. He was the sort of child who wore his best clothes to play dates and politely refused the chocolate cake when it was served—but remained a regular fixture at family gatherings, Durin’s Day parties, and most afternoons after school.

And so the young Oakenshields’ lives carried on much in this way for the next two-odd decades—filled with the indulgence of passions and the safety of routine—and one by one, they moved out of their childhood home.

That is, until the day Thorin Oakenshield came back.

 

x

 

I just wanted to see you and the children, Thorin said.

Dis folded her arms and glared. Oh, she said, _now_ you remember.

I’ve been away for a long time, I know, but it was for the good of Durin’s Folk. They needed me.

The _children_ needed you, snapped Dis. _I_ needed you.

I know, said Thorin in a low voice, over and over, I’m sorry. But now that Erebor is thriving again, I thought I could...come home.

Dis looked at the dwarf standing in the front hall of her house. He was leaner than he had been, with veins of silver running through his hair. There were deep lines on his face like furrows in the earth. And his _eyes._ Once they had been black and keen and glittering, like hard onyx stones.

But now the stones were cracking.

For a long time, Dis was silent, and then she picked up the phone.

 

x

 

When Kili’s boat arrived, Tauriel was at the station waiting for him. Let me get a look at you, she said. Stand up straight.

I _am_ standing up straight, said Kili, and she laughed. Drawing closer, she lifted her hand to stroke his face. She was wearing green, the way she used to when they were children.

You’ve let your beard grow, Tauriel said. Your beard was never this long before.

Kili’s only response was a wry smile. Then they put their arms around each other, Kili burying his face in Tauriel’s shoulder.

I missed you, he mumbled before letting go.

Then he pulled on her hair, and she made a face at him, and they linked arms and walked towards the bus together.


End file.
